“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” – Thomas Haynes Bayly, English songwriter and poet.
It’s an all too common pattern for immature relationships to spend all their time together, then they do it too much, and one of them wants some space, when they pull back, the other feels threatened that they will lose the other person. They chase, the other wants more space, the other person starts acting needy, and it pushes them away.
Space is important in a relationship.
On the one hand, we might want to be with a person all the time. We love them.
On the other hand we also need to grow and develop ourselves.
As a relationship matures, the attraction matures. Instead of intense attraction from our biology, it has turned into more like friendship with attraction. It’s good for us that it does! If we were intensely attracted to someone and wanted to be with them all the time we wouldn’t be able to grow.
Here is a graph showing some time together and some time apart.
The oscillation between togetherness and space in a relationship is a delicate dance that requires awareness, communication, and respect. By embracing this dynamic, partners can enjoy a deeper connection while honoring their individuality. It’s in this dance that relationships can flourish, providing both security and freedom, intimacy and independence.
When someone wants space, the best thing to do is to give them space. To listen, to understand, to show them that you are strong, and to work on yourself too. To give them what they need. Every relationship needs some space.
This is a great book I recommend about the importance of space in a relationship
We therefore need both the security and everything we love about the relationship, but we also need to develop and grow ourselves.
In the intricate ballet of a relationship, the interplay between togetherness and individual space is a recurring theme. This dynamic is not a static equilibrium but an oscillation, a rhythmic dance that ebbs and flows with the needs and growth of each partner. Understanding and navigating this delicate balance is crucial for the health and longevity of any relationship.
The Need for Togetherness: Togetherness in a relationship is about connection, intimacy, and shared experiences. It’s the glue that binds partners, creating a sense of security and belonging. Activities such as shared hobbies, deep conversations, and physical closeness foster this sense of unity. In moments of togetherness, partners can feel seen, understood, and valued.
The Need for Space: Conversely, individual space is equally vital. It allows for personal growth, self-reflection, and independence. Space can manifest as time alone, pursuing individual interests, or simply having the freedom to be oneself without the constant presence of the other. It’s in these moments of solitude that individuals can recharge, explore their own thoughts and feelings, and maintain a sense of self within the relationship.
The Oscillation: The relationship between togetherness and space is not linear but oscillatory. At times, partners may crave closeness, seeking comfort and support in each other’s company. At other times, they may need distance, a breather to cultivate their individuality. This oscillation is natural and necessary for a balanced and healthy relationship.
How to create space?
- Communication: Open and honest communication is key to navigating this dance. Partners should express their needs for togetherness and space without fear of judgment.
- Respect: It’s crucial to respect each other’s needs. If one partner needs space, the other should honor that request without taking it personally.
- Trust: Trust is the foundation that allows this dynamic to thrive. Partners must trust that seeking space does not equate to a lack of love or commitment.
- Flexibility: Being flexible and adaptable to each other’s changing needs is essential. What works one week may not work the next, and that’s okay.
- Boundaries: Setting clear boundaries around time together and apart can prevent misunderstandings and resentment.
- Quality Over Quantity: Focus on the quality of time spent together rather than the quantity. Meaningful interactions can be more fulfilling than constant togetherness.
The oscillation between togetherness and space in a relationship is a delicate dance that requires awareness, communication, and respect. By embracing this dynamic, partners can enjoy a deeper connection while honoring their individuality. It’s in this dance that relationships can flourish, providing both security and freedom, intimacy and independence.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a relationship survive space? Yes, a relationship can not only survive space but also thrive because of it. Space allows individuals to maintain their sense of self, pursue their interests, and recharge emotionally, which can lead to a healthier and more balanced relationship. It’s important, however, that both partners communicate openly about their need for space and respect each other’s boundaries.
How do you give someone space without losing them? Giving someone space without losing them involves a delicate balance of respect, trust, and communication. It’s important to express your understanding of their need for space and assure them of your continued commitment to the relationship. Stay connected through occasional check-ins, but avoid excessive communication or clinginess. Trust in the strength of your bond and give them the freedom to come back to you when they’re ready. In the meantime, focus on yourself! Keep yourself busy. Make yourself better. Mature and grow up and learn, go to the gym. Don’t make the relationship your life. Become a better version of you so that you can sexual market value is higher. When they come back they are amazed by who you are, but you can also don’t NEED them! You can’t be a great partner if you can’t be by yourself.
Can space apart fix a relationship? Space apart can potentially fix a relationship if it’s used constructively. It can provide partners with the opportunity to reflect on their feelings, assess the relationship’s dynamics, and gain clarity on what they want moving forward. However, space alone is not a cure-all; it should be accompanied by open communication and a willingness to work on underlying issues.
How long should you give your partner space? The duration of space needed can vary depending on the situation and the individual’s needs. It’s important to discuss and agree on a rough timeframe, whether it’s a few days, a week, or longer. However, be flexible and understanding if your partner requests more time. Regular check-ins can help both partners feel secure and reassured during this period.
How to ask for space in a relationship? Asking for space in a relationship requires a gentle and honest approach. You can decide if you’d like to have more space on a day to day level, if you have been spending too much time together. You can get more space by doing more activities, or working outside more, or seeing them a bit less for a while, but you can just explain to them the reasons, and show that you still care of course. Or you can take a trip away, but it depends on your relatinoship. Start by expressing your love and commitment to the relationship. Then, explain your need for space clearly and calmly, specifying that it’s for your personal growth and not a reflection of your feelings for your partner. Reassure them that this space is temporary and discuss how you can stay connected during this time. Be open to their thoughts and feelings, and try to reach a mutual understanding.
Quotes about Space in a relationship
“Sometimes, you need to be apart from the people you love, but that doesn’t make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more.” – Nicholas Sparks, American novelist.
“The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” – Audrey Hepburn, British actress and humanitarian.
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” – Kahlil Gibran, Lebanese-American writer, poet, and visual artist.
“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.” – Unknown.
“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” – Aristotle, Greek philosopher.
“True love doesn’t mean being inseparable; it means being separated and nothing changes.” – Unknown.
“Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It’s for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love.” – Meghan Daum, American author.
“Sometimes you need to take a break from each other to truly understand how much you really miss each other.” – Unknown
“In a strong relationship, you should love your companion more than you need them.” – Steve Maraboli, American speaker and author.
“Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.” – James Thurber, American cartoonist and author.
“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night.” – Bill Watterson, American cartoonist.
“The heart can think of no devotion greater than being close to someone it adores, and if it finds itself alone and distant, it breaks.” – Hafez, Persian poet.
“Growth in love comes from a place of absence, where the imagination is left to it’s own devices and creates you to be much more than reality would ever allow.” – Coco J. Ginger, American author.
“True love is not a hide-and-seek game; in true love, both lovers seek each other.” – Michael Bassey Johnson, Nigerian author.
“A little distance can bring a lot of clarity.” – Unknown
Learn More
Here are some resources to learn more.
Books:
“Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Dr. Sue Johnson – This book offers insights into creating and maintaining a strong emotional connection in relationships, including the importance of space and autonomy.
“Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” by Esther Perel – Perel explores the balance between intimacy and independence in long-term relationships, providing a fresh perspective on maintaining passion while respecting individual space.
“The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate” by Harriet Lerner – Lerner discusses how to maintain a sense of self while staying connected to others, addressing the need for space in relationships.
Online Articles and Blogs:
Psychology Today: Search for articles on “space in relationships” for a variety of perspectives from psychologists and relationship experts.
MindBodyGreen Relationships Section: This wellness website often features articles on maintaining healthy relationships, including the importance of personal space.
Podcasts:
“Where Should We Begin?” with Esther Perel – This podcast offers a glimpse into real couples’ therapy sessions, often touching on themes of space and independence in relationships.
“The Gottman Institute Podcast” – The Gottman Institute is known for its research on relationships, and their podcast covers a wide range of topics, including maintaining individuality while being part of a couple.
Online Courses:
Coursera or Udemy: Search for courses on relationships or communication skills. While they might not focus solely on “space” in relationships, understanding communication and boundaries is a crucial part of it.
Therapy or Counseling:
Consider seeking professional guidance from a therapist or counselor who specializes in relationships. They can provide personalized advice and strategies for maintaining a healthy balance of togetherness and independence in your relationship.
