What’s the biggest relationship killers? People often mention criticism, or contempt, or defensiveness or stone walling, or avoiding conflict but I’d like to argue that lack of space is the biggest relationship killer.
Have a relationship problem? One thing I’ve learnt from business is that you can’t, and shouldn’t fix all the problems. Sometimes you can’t solve a problem by trying to solve the problem. You need to solve it through growth and expansion.
Here’s what I mean
I believe we can too easily fall into this Disney idea of love that you fall in love with someone and live happily ever after. You can become too secure and comfortable that you become lazy and stop growing and improving.
Traditionally speaking, as was throughout most of human history, and especially during challenging periods such as wars, or during periods of scarce resources, a relationship is a value exchange. Why would a man choose to date a woman and why would a woman choose to date a man? Because the man provided strength, security, and resources, the woman was beautiful, loving, supportive and provided some value as a companion and partner. Together, as partners, they can do more, they could take on the world and create a home and family.
A successful partnership between two people in this way is a very special thing. It’s special because they are two individual people with different ideas and needs, but they are also one complete couple that operate as a unit.
They are, two individuals, and at the same time one couple.
But how exactly do those two people join? At what point do those two individuals become one?
Which decisions are made individually, and what are made as a group? Who does which role?
It is a very delicate balance. Often with shifting boundaries, that is unique to each couple, different cultures, and likely to change over time. In some places it’s a beautiful line, it might even be invisible, a soft merging of meadows, but sometimes it’s rough and jagged, a war zone, a no-mans land with trenches on either side.
One of the biggest relationship killers is that it doesn’t work because the value exchange no longer makes sense. This could be because one person outgrows the other, but it could be also be that they they become more comfortable and they decline. They are less valuable than they were when they entered the partnership.
Everyone is familiar with the guy who worked out everyday, went out, build a large network, got a girlfriend, and then became comfortable, lazy, staying at home watching movies.
It seems fine one weekend.
But it compounds, and over time that one person is a shell of their former self, or they both are.
It’s my belief that something is either decaying or growing. Things never stay exactly the same.
In order for a partnership to work each person has to keep improving their value.
They have to make sure that they themselves keeps improving, and support the other to improve.
One of the worst things for relationships is spending too much time together which makes people feel suffocated, and they can’t grow and develop as individuals.
By being disciplined and making sure to be uncomfortable, by doing activities such as going to the gym, or networking, and having outside hobbies and relationships, you can grow as an individual.
Another benefit of having enough space is that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and sometimes giving space makes them miss you more and makes you seem more valuable which is like a massive dose of medicine that has loads of benefits for the relationship.
It also helps because the space refreshes and revitalize the partnership.
On some of the harmonious boundaries, when the other is absent, that absence is felt. It is missed.
On those other areas, the war zones, the boundaries between the two individuals are also expanded and this enables them to grow, and breathe, and act as individuals in ways and appreciate the freedom they yearned for during the battles.
When they come together again they can appreciate the other more and and also redefine the boundaries if needed when they connect.
So the number 1 thing that kills relationships, is lack of space to grow that is needed in relationships because they are too comfortable.
This is only realised once it’s too late, and one of them feels the only way to get space is permanent.
Recommended book which has something of this need for space is mating in captivity.
The Disney Idea of Love
- Myth of Eternal Bliss: The “Disney idea” of love often suggests that once you find the right person, everything will be perfect forever. This myth can lead to unrealistic expectations in relationships, where people expect perpetual happiness without effort.
- Reality of Relationships: Real relationships require continuous effort, growth, and compromise. Both partners need to actively work on maintaining and improving their bond.
Value Exchange in Relationships
- Historical Context: Historically, relationships were often seen as value exchanges, especially during challenging times. This dynamic provided mutual benefits and ensured survival and prosperity.
- Modern Context: Today, while the nature of these exchanges may have evolved, the principle remains. Both partners must bring value to the relationship, whether through emotional support, shared goals, or complementary skills.
Individuality vs. Unity
- Balancing Acts: Maintaining individuality while functioning as a unit is crucial. Each partner should have their interests, hobbies, and personal growth avenues. This balance helps in preventing codependency and ensures that both individuals continue to grow and contribute to the relationship.
- Decision-Making: Deciding what decisions are made individually and what are made jointly is a delicate balance that each couple must navigate. Clear communication and mutual respect are key.
Growth and Improvement
- Continuous Improvement: Both partners should strive to improve themselves continuously. This could be through personal development, education, hobbies, or physical fitness. This ongoing growth keeps the relationship dynamic and prevents stagnation.
- Support Systems: Supporting each other in personal growth is essential. Encouraging each other’s endeavors and celebrating successes together strengthens the bond.
Space and Absence
- Importance of Space: Having personal space and time apart can prevent feelings of suffocation and promote individual growth. It also brings a sense of refreshment and renewed appreciation for each other.
- Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder: Spending time apart can enhance the relationship by making partners miss each other, which can rekindle feelings of affection and appreciation.
Boundaries and Conflict
- Healthy Boundaries: Establishing and respecting boundaries is crucial. These boundaries can be fluid and may change over time as the relationship evolves.
- Conflict Resolution: Conflicts are inevitable, but how they are managed makes all the difference. Constructive communication and a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives are vital.
In summary, successful relationships require a balance between individuality and unity, continuous growth and improvement, and clear communication and support. Avoiding the trap of complacency is essential, and maintaining a healthy dynamic involves regular effort from both partners. Embracing the ebb and flow o
