4 Attachment Styles and How to Fix Yours in 10 Steps!!

Attachment theory, a cornerstone of psychological research, delves into the dynamics of interpersonal relationships and the underlying patterns that govern our connections with others. Originating from the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, this theory categorizes individuals into four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. These styles, formed in early childhood, have far-reaching implications for our adult relationships, influencing our behavior, emotions, and expectations.

In this article, we’ll explore each of these attachment styles and offer insights into how you can work towards a more secure attachment pattern.
This is helpful for you to understand your own and your partners and so you can both grow and have a better relationship.

Secures exhibit both positive self-images and positive perceptions of others. Anxious types exhibit negative self-images, but positive perceptions of others (hence their needy behavior).

Avoidants exhibit positive self-images and negative perceptions of others (hence their arrogance and fear of commitment), and anxious-avoidants exhibit negative perceptions of just about everything and everyone (hence their inability to function in relationships).

Using this model as a roadmap, one can begin to navigate oneself to a more secure attachment type.

Anxious types can work on developing themselves, creating healthy boundaries and fostering a healthy self-image. Instead of constantly looking for “the one” who will magically solve all their problems (and then calling them 36 times in one night), they can look for things that will make them a better, healthier person both in body and mind.

One of my most common pieces of dating advice is for men to find something they’re passionate about and good at and make that a focal point of their life rather than women. Needless to say, the same goes for women as well.

Mark Manson – Attachment Styles

How can anxious become more secure?

Anxious individuals can work towards developing a more secure attachment style by focusing on self-awareness, emotional regulation, and building healthy relationship patterns. Here are some steps that can help:

1. Understand Your Attachment Style: Recognize the signs of anxious attachment in your behavior and relationships. Understanding your triggers and fears can help you address them more effectively.
2. Seek Therapy: Therapy can provide a supportive space to explore your attachment style, understand its origins, and develop strategies for change. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can be particularly beneficial.
3. Practice Self-Compassion: Anxious individuals often struggle with self-worth. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you are deserving of love and respect, regardless of external validation.
4. Develop Emotional Regulation: Learn to manage intense emotions and anxiety through mindfulness, deep breathing, or other stress-reduction techniques. This can help you respond more calmly in triggering situations.
5. Communicate Effectively: Express your needs and fears in relationships without resorting to clingy or demanding behaviors. Clear and assertive communication can help you feel more secure and understood.
6. Cultivate Independence: Focus on building your own hobbies, interests, and social connections outside of your romantic relationships. This can help reduce dependence on your partner for emotional fulfillment.
7. Challenge Negative Thought Patterns: Anxious attachment often involves catastrophic thinking or fear of abandonment. Challenge these thoughts by questioning their validity and focusing on evidence of stability and security in your relationships.
8. Set Healthy Boundaries: Establish and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships. This can help you feel more secure and prevent feelings of being overwhelmed or taken for granted.
9. Seek Secure Partners: If possible, seek relationships with individuals who have a secure attachment style. Their stability and consistency can provide a model for a healthy attachment and help you feel more secure.
10. Be Patient: Becoming more secure is a gradual process. Celebrate small victories and be patient with yourself as you work on building a more secure attachment style.

By focusing on these areas, anxious individuals can move towards a more secure attachment style, leading to healthier and more satisfying relationships.

How can avoidants become more secure?

Avoidant individuals can work towards developing a more secure attachment style by engaging in self-reflection, therapy, and gradual behavioral changes. Here are some steps that can help:

1. Understand Your Attachment Style: Begin by recognizing your avoidant tendencies and how they manifest in your relationships. Understanding the root causes of your avoidance can help you address them more effectively.
2. Seek Therapy: Working with a therapist can provide a safe space to explore your attachment style, identify underlying issues, and develop strategies for change. Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can be particularly helpful.
3. Practice Vulnerability: Gradually allow yourself to be more vulnerable in your relationships. Share your thoughts and feelings with trusted friends or partners, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
4. Challenge Negative Beliefs: Avoidants often have negative beliefs about intimacy and dependency. Challenge these beliefs by recognizing the value of emotional closeness and the strength in seeking support.
5. Improve Communication: Work on expressing your needs and desires openly in your relationships. Effective communication can help build trust and reduce the fear of being overwhelmed by intimacy.
6. Build Emotional Awareness: Develop a better understanding of your emotions and learn to regulate them. Mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques can help you stay connected to your feelings without becoming overwhelmed.
7. Focus on the Present: Avoidants often worry about losing their independence in the future. Try to stay present in your relationships and appreciate the connection as it is now.
8. Seek Secure Relationships: Surround yourself with individuals who have a secure attachment style. Their stability and consistency can provide a model for healthy attachment and help you feel safer in opening up.
9. Be Patient: Changing your attachment style is a gradual process. Be patient with yourself and recognize that small steps towards vulnerability and openness are significant achievements.

How can you tell if someone has a secure attachment style?

ndividuals with a secure attachment style typically exhibit certain behaviors and characteristics in their relationships. Here are some signs that someone might have a secure attachment style:

1. Comfort with Intimacy: They are comfortable with emotional closeness and intimacy and don’t fear being too close or too distant from their partner.
2. Effective Communication: They communicate openly and effectively, expressing their needs and feelings clearly and listening to their partner’s perspective.
3. Trustworthiness: They trust their partners and are trustworthy themselves. They don’t feel the need to constantly check on their partner or control the relationship.
4. Emotional Regulation: They manage their emotions well and don’t overreact to relationship challenges. They can cope with stress and negative emotions without becoming overwhelmed.
5. Independence: While they enjoy being in a relationship, they also value their independence and respect their partner’s autonomy.
6. Conflict Resolution: They can handle conflicts constructively, seeking solutions that consider both partners’ needs rather than avoiding issues or escalating arguments.
7. Positive View of Relationships: They generally have a positive outlook on relationships and believe that they are capable of lasting love and mutual support.
8. Empathy and Support: They are empathetic and supportive, offering help and understanding to their partner during difficult times.
9. Flexibility: They are adaptable and can adjust to changes in the relationship or life circumstances without feeling threatened or destabilized.
10. Satisfaction: They are typically satisfied with their relationships and feel a deep sense of connection and security with their partner.

It’s important to note that attachment styles exist on a spectrum, and individuals may exhibit traits from different styles depending on the context and their personal growth. However, these characteristics are generally indicative of a secure attachment style.

Relationships take work!

Relationships, contrary to popular belief and fairy tale narratives, require ongoing effort and commitment. They are not always smooth sailing; instead, they involve a continuous process of learning, growth, and adaptation. Here are some key points to consider:

1. Communication is Key: Open and honest communication is essential in any relationship. It’s important to express your feelings, needs, and concerns to your partner and to listen actively to theirs. Misunderstandings and conflicts are natural, but how you address them can strengthen or weaken your bond.
2. Personal Growth: Relationships often serve as mirrors, reflecting our strengths and weaknesses. They provide opportunities for self-discovery and personal development. Embracing this aspect can lead to individual growth and a deeper connection with your partner.
3. Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship. However, it’s the approach to resolving conflicts that matters. Constructive conflict resolution involves finding compromises, respecting each other’s perspectives, and working together towards a solution.
4. Effort and Commitment: Maintaining a healthy relationship requires effort from both partners. This includes making time for each other, showing appreciation, and continually nurturing the bond you share.
5. Adaptability: Life is full of changes, and relationships need to adapt to survive. Whether it’s a change in circumstances, personal growth, or external pressures, being flexible and supportive of each other is crucial.
6. Shared Values and Goals: Having aligned values and common goals can strengthen your relationship. It provides a sense of direction and purpose, helping you work together as a team.
7. Trust and Security: Building trust is fundamental to a healthy relationship. This involves being reliable, consistent, and faithful, and providing a sense of security and safety for each other.
8. Independence: While intimacy is important, it’s also crucial to maintain your individuality. Having your own hobbies, interests, and friendships can enrich your life and, in turn, your relationship.
9. Continuous Learning: Relationships are a journey of continuous learning. Being open to learning about yourself, your partner, and how to navigate your relationship can lead to a more fulfilling and lasting bond.
10. Patience and Forgiveness: Mistakes and misunderstandings are part of being human. Being patient with each other and willing to forgive can help overcome challenges and strengthen your relationship.

“We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.” – Harville Hendrix, relationship expert and author

How to understand and fix yours in 10 steps

To understand your attachment style and work towards a more secure attachment in your relationships, you can follow these steps:

1. Identify Your Attachment Style: Start by taking an attachment style quiz or reading about the different attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) to identify your own tendencies.
2. Reflect on Your Past: Look back at your childhood and past relationships to understand how your attachment style might have developed. Consider how your early experiences with caregivers influenced your approach to relationships.
3. Acknowledge Your Patterns: Recognize the patterns in your behavior and emotions that are related to your attachment style. This can include how you handle conflict, intimacy, and independence in relationships.
4. Understand Your Triggers: Identify specific situations or behaviors that trigger your attachment-related fears or reactions. This awareness can help you manage your responses more effectively.
5. Communicate Your Needs: Openly discuss your attachment style and needs with your partner. Clear communication can help you both understand each other better and work towards a more secure relationship.
6. Practice Emotional Regulation: Learn techniques to regulate your emotions, especially if you have an anxious or disorganized attachment style. Mindfulness, deep breathing, and self-soothing strategies can be helpful.
7. Seek Support: Consider therapy or counseling if you need help addressing deep-seated attachment issues or trauma. A professional can guide you through the process of healing and developing a more secure attachment style.
8. Build Secure Relationship Habits: Work on developing habits that foster security in your relationship, such as showing empathy, being reliable, and respecting each other’s boundaries.
9. Challenge Negative Beliefs: If you have an avoidant or anxious attachment style, you might have negative beliefs about intimacy or dependency. Challenge these beliefs and remind yourself of the value of close relationships.
10. Celebrate Progress: Recognize and celebrate the progress you make in your journey towards a more secure attachment. Every step towards understanding and improving your relationships is an achievement.

By following these steps, you can gain a better understanding of your attachment style and take proactive steps to cultivate a more secure and healthy relationship with your partner.

Learn More

To learn more about attachment theory and the different attachment styles, you can explore a variety of resources, including blog articles, books, and online courses. Here are some recommendations:

Blog Articles:

1. Attachment Styles: An Overview – Psychology Today
2. The 4 Attachment Styles & How They Form – Verywell Mind
3. How Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships – Mark Manson

Books:

1. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
2. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
3. The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Diane Poole Heller
4. Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It by Leslie Becker-Phelps

Online Courses:

1. Attachment Theory: An Introduction – Udemy
2. Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Couples – Coursera

These resources cover a range of perspectives and provide insights into how attachment styles develop, their impact on relationships, and strategies for fostering secure attachments in adulthood.