My TLDR summary of this book is that you need to listen to yourself. You are OK, what you are thinking and feeling, you should listen to, even if, or sometimes especially when it upsets others. It important to take others thoughts into account, but ultimately you need to be yourself, listen, decide for yourself and respect yourself, and don’t put other peoples needs before your own. Put your own needs first. It’s ok.
“No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert A. Glover is a self-help book aimed primarily at men who identify as “Nice Guys” – individuals who often seek to please others at the expense of their own needs, avoid conflict, and desire constant approval from others.
The book argues that the Nice Guy syndrome stems from childhood experiences, where these men learned to believe that they were not okay just as they are and that they must become what they think others want them to be to be loved or liked. This leads to patterns of behavior where they try to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes, avoid confrontation, seek approval, and prioritize others’ needs over their own.
Dr. Glover suggests that this behavior leads to frustration, unfulfilling relationships, and a life that feels unauthentic. The book aims to help men break free from the Nice Guy pattern through various strategies:
- Accepting themselves: Learning to accept themselves as they are, flaws and all.
- Expressing needs: Encouraging men to express their needs and desires openly and honestly.
- Setting boundaries: Teaching the importance of setting healthy boundaries in relationships.
- Prioritizing self-care: Emphasizing the importance of self-care and self-respect.
- Facing fears: Encouraging men to face their fears, especially the fear of conflict and rejection.
- Building healthy relationships: Focusing on building relationships based on mutual respect and honesty, rather than seeking approval or trying to fix others.
The book combines case studies, personal experiences, and practical advice to guide men in transforming from Nice Guys into genuinely confident and assertive individuals. The overall goal is not to become “bad guys” but to be authentic, express needs and desires without manipulation or passive-aggressiveness, and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Here are some quotes:
- “Nice guys are givers. Nice guys often make their partner their emotional center.”
- “Nice guys avoid conflict like the plague. They are inclined to seek approval and avoid disapproval.”
- “Nice guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men. Due to their childhood conditioning, they often seek the approval of women.”
- “Being a Nice Guy is a serious health hazard.”
- “Nice guys tend to be secretive. They hide their mistakes and shortcomings.”
- “Nice guys are frequently isolated. Even though they may appear to have friends, they rarely have deep emotional connections with others.”
- “Nice guys are often dependent on external validation and avoid taking responsibility for their lives.”
- “Nice guys believe that they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.”
- “Nice guys often try to fix and take care of others, usually neglecting themselves.”
- “Nice guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing.”
